Thrashing

It felt like my mind had the flu. It started with a sick feeling felt in the deepest pit of my stomach but originating from the very front of my cortex. Reasonable fear. “You should be afraid.” This was all I could hear. Over and over again.

I get quiet when I’m afraid. I can’t speak, just an insatiable desire to observe. Obsessively hoping that if I focus on this enough I can somehow will the outcome in my favor; like a sports fan holding on hope for a team that just lost the game.

In the face of defeat, fear does not have the momentum or the drive to turn into rage. Instead, fear instigates an unrelenting and unforgiving sadness. A physical depression resulting from a mental burnout. Heavy. Hurt.

The blindness of privilege. The ignorance of faith. 

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